I am back

... here I am again! It's been a while! I have been in a funky mood lately and my back is bothering me really bad that I just didn't feel I had anything to say other than blabla, blabla....
I have real problems writing down how I feel sometimes. Not the fun stuff, that comes easily, but the ugly truth, feelings, being bumped about something and just sharing what we all experience every so often! Right now I think I am in a funk because

1.)it's getting closer to the holidays and Jer and I had planned on going back home to Germany to spend xmas and New Years with my mom/dad and my sister and her family. Well things didn't work out. We are not going, and I am just sad, homesick, and feel this big empty feeling inside me!

2.) I did a layout about my little niece a few weeks ago and while I was working on it, the title suddenly read "It's been 2 years"... What the heck! It's so weird to put it in writing! I think for the first time I realized how long it's been that I have seen them and I am afraid they grow up and I am missing the whole thing. I know it's my fault, that I am not there, but here... I choose to relocated to be with Jer and although there were times we were thinking of moving back to Germany we ended up deciding that it was best to stay here. After we purchased our home 2 1/2 years ago it is pretty clear that we will be living here. Nevertheless, this doesn't make things easier. I have huge, huge feelings of guilt to the point that I feel that they might think I abandonned them. I am afraid that they don't know me, their aunt, and that one day I will have major regrets that I missed out on so many firsts for them.

3.) I am feeling like my body is falling apart. My back is bothering me so much and I am literally afraid to lift the lightest thing. Our home is pretty much a mess, as I don't want to do a powerclean and than be on the floor for another week. I can't wait for the "haunted" kitchen to finally be done, so we can start getting a cleaning service in here every two weeks. Jer and I agreed that we just need to stick to our budget and make this work. It's important, as he is working full time, is going back to school full time, I am working full time and my back is more important to heal than to continuously getting aggrevated again by bending, and moving things. So definitely looking forward to starting this once the kitchen is finally done. Sounds like such a pure heaven to me right now, and I am so willing to save on other stuff to make this happen.

4.) Getting a little stressed out about the upcoming holidays. It's a season that I love the most of the year, but with it comes the stress of getting everything done. Getting gifts, mailing them off, making cards, putting up decoration, etc. I think I just need to step back this year and enjoy the process... instead of rushing to getting it all done, I need to relax and take a step a day and if things don't get done, I just need to breath and let it go. Not sure what happened... in prior years I always loved the rush, the craziness, the prepping... to be honest I was in my best element when under stress, but lately I am not. I am dreading it. I am dreading stress, I am enjoying calmness, relaxation, spending quality time with family and friends and all the other stuff seems to be just stuff that needs to be done... and bottom line just stuff...

5.) I am sick to my stomach when I look at all the scrapping stuff I have accumulated over the years. I finally made a decision last week when I got together with some friends... to purchase less and to use more. Here we are ... 2 of my friends and I sleeping all our inventory over to each other houses to scrap, most of the stuff never even touched that evening but nevertheless it all had to come, while one of my friends came with this one ArtBin and one little bag. My idol, I swear. Thats the way I want to pack, the way I think is much more efficient. All the things are just draining... and it seems like a never ending story. You want something, you get it and than you file it away and you need something else. I have stamps and stickers and paper that I have only touched once - to move it from the bag they were in after I purchased them into my crop'n style furniture. Some things are still in packages... Why, oh why am I so addicted to purchase new stuff when the old is just as good? So my resolution is to use what I have rather than to accumulate even more. I am allowed to purchase adhesive, but will need to stick with all the other stuff I have at home. I think I could scrapbook for a few years to come without ever having to buy another piece of cardstock, pattern paper or embellishment. [How insane and sick is that??]

OK, feeling much better to finally have put in words what has bothered me those last few days/weeks. Now that I have it in black/white, I can start to work towards finding solutions and getting myself out of this funk. I think I will start a gratitude list... a list of things that I am grateful for each day, something that shows me that my little black moments are nothing compared to what other people are struggling with and going through.

So for today:
***** I am grateful to have a loving and supportive husband and friends who are loyal and whom I can count on - I feel truly blessed for these people in my life who make me smile, who are there for me to lean on when I need to, who have an open ear, and who are giving me strenght and support, no matter what. THANK YOU - you know who you are and I just wanted to say that you bring color and happiness in my life! Love you!!!! ******************